I'm landing close to midnight. I'm hard on myself and fuck, I just plain miss this. But due to the fucked up things that go on in my head, I have convinced myself that if we had live here, you would not have gotten cancer and died. Tonight a big dose of reality is waiting for me as I step off this plane. I told her I didnt remember a thing about it except I dont think I cried. There is not a part of me that is doing any of this for myself because I dont live for myself anymore.This life I live now is not about me anymore. I love you. Even a 45 minute car ride. I am so grateful to everyone who came to support your foundation. We are going to go to dinner when they get home. Only one other living thing survived and that was the poppy, flowering each year with the coming of the warm weather. We have days that we still trip, stumble and fall. She told me about the study that just came out linking pregnant women and the flu, to autism. I know we talked about it, but I dont remember all the things you told me. I had no idea that I had little runners in our family! Tricia. Lights out for the next 7 hours. I wanted to say I dont know how to stop. Im working on it but my revenge will never serve justice for your death. I have been so public with everything and after everything we have gone through, I want this little girl to enter this world as peacefully as possible. That raccoon was very likely stalking the cat to eat it. It scares the shit out of me, for Liam, Quinn, and now this Poppy baby. We talked about a lot of stuff. Its comforting to your daddy and brothers so this is why I stay here. Im so sad and I cant stop crying. Ive been writing about your treatment, which has been hard. Im telling you, its all I can seem to do lately. He promised to help me fuck cancer and Im not letting him go anywhere other than here, to do that. Bye Bye Little Sad House! We Have a New Home! - ROCKSTAR RONAN These kids, deserve to be recognized, not swept under the carpet. I think Im having a mid-life crisis. Why the fuck did this happen? I talked to George Clooney last night and Im going to run off with him. (inside joke, but I really did freaking talk to George Clooney thanks to one Fairy Bad Ass RoMo) And my all time favorite, Where is Ronan and who is taking care of him? I got sat down and talked to in the harshest but kindest way. Am I pushing things a bit? Aye! I was just happy to finish without injuring myself even more. Not right now, but someday you wont be this sad., Me: Im so sad all the time. Pain. I cant wait to see you at the finish line! I just made a choice to get back up and live the only way I know how to live now by fighting for you and all you were robbed of. THANK YOU. Do you think there will ever come a time when Christmas lights wont be blurry from mytears? I met a friend this morning for coffee. Who knows what I am getting myself into, but Ill never know unless I try. The house was dark and our kitchen table was empty. I had to take your brothers because the appointment was so early. I would like to think so. As much as I hated to tell him this on the phone because he is in Vegas, there was NO way I couldnt tell him. It is her birthday today. She would fall over if I became a vegetarian. I cannot part with your toys, clothes, stuffed animals, books, blankets, pictures on the walls. Nothing in the world will ever taste as good, smell as good, or feel as good as it did when you were here with me. "My darling. I promise to be the best mama to her. I have the best doctor I know in Omaha at the ER waiting for you. Any of it. I have some serious business to attend to! How dull and empty I know this world is without you presence. She of course made a ninja plan to help me tomorrow, go and find it. They said they wanted to help find a cure for cancer and know I would put it to good use. I had Quinn call your Nana. Yes, it is wrong. Everyone needs to check them out. Please fix this, so someday another mother like me, does not have to stand before you, wearing her childs ashes around her neck. Shes a pretty big deal in the literary world and is a writer herself. My brain/emotions are fried. Wouldnt every mama walk to the end of the earth to make sure their childs legacy lives on? You were a child. She will be a part of you and I cannot wait to meet her. It seems to be filled with all the wrong things, the wrong people hurting others, the wrong everything. Certainly not this nowhere of crying myself to sleep because I am so sad I got to do none of those things with you today. Where is Ronan? That phone call that left me with my head going to the worst possible places and telling myself I wouldnt survive this big of a loss, once again. I may have lost it last week which left me doing my normal screams and crying to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. Rockstar Ronan - ROCKSTAR RONAN on A city where the happy is too loud so lets go away to the coldbeach, Not a life full of beauty but one full of beautiful momentsinstead, From what I can see here, it looks like you are having a baby. Sweet dreams, little man. P.S. Fernanda came by the clinic and dropped me off a coffee (which I proceeded to knock over and spill) She called that, good luck. Its the Who is Mr. Sparkly Eyes. A lot of you, ask that in my comments. I had been going back and forth with your Sparkly on some things. She is a hard core vegetarian and has been so for over 20 years. It wouldnt have been this way, if you were still here. Its too much, especially at this point in your life., Me: But I always do these things alone. I almost felt mad at the baby boy, in my dream, for not being you. Macy is here now. Even if you dont mean it or dont feel like it. I will never understand this. I am proud, too Ronan. She has a Ronan. I gave in after trying everything to go to sleep last night, and popped my old friend, Ambien. Miss you." AF says: July 28, 2011 at 5:59 AM. I feel disconnected from everything and everyone. I had an early appointment at The Fetal&Womens Center of Arizona. Because he is the best daddy ever, he will. But how not physically having them here, is so very difficult. Proof that you are still here, taking care of me, the best way that you can. We sat and caught up. It actually makes me laugh. I know she did not have to do this. You deserved better, Ronan and I will forever be so sorry that after everything that we tried and did for you that it death was still the final outcome. We have about one idea for a first name. https://kjzz.org/content/1737378/you-were-my-best-4-years-scottsdale-mom-reflects-taylor-swifts-rerelease-ronan?fbclid=IwAR0enkIGpunEZ1qheo1ngCebWs7VHK59S0wR3YE7pVWlQJaviWYlMFquNSk. I hope you are safe. Its 4 a.m. Im not tired but my eyes burn and my brain is mush. It cannot be real because it is too awful. This staying in bed and waiting to die, because Im pregnant and tired, is bullshit. Grief, reality, Inferno Fuckwad Bob, were all there waiting for me. Ive learned to become the ultimate pain hider. It took me a minute to explain all of this to them, but by the end they were both a little teary eyed and said they agreed with me and understood why. As of now, I cant talk about our news. By making the one dearest to my heart, o.k. Hearing those words from her meant a lot to me. You were innocent. She is surviving all while making this world a better place. Dr. on Bye Bye Little Sad House! I am such a true believer in this, especially in the world I live in now. He simply responded with an, I miss him. I read his words Ronan and FUCK. I am so very sorry. on Its 3:25 a.m.? I sat and watched it. Im alone and I have nobody to take care of me.. I remember being really sad because this I so wanted this baby to be you, but it was not. Alone. I love you. Only my Dr. Bronner Magic Soap that I am obsessed with could have gotten me into that store and I was totally out, otherwise I would have aborted mission. In bed? But then I see your Urn staring back at me and I am quickly reminded that it is and there is nothing I can do about it, to bring you back. My shot hurt for you. A long talk with Mr. Sparkly eyes, an email from my Mrs. And how in the world am I living without him? I set up a little shrine in your room to sit and do my phone call in. The 7th floor jumping out of our hotel window, to splatter on the streets below, did not seem like a better option. I just want you back. How this was such an awful reason to have to run. How are you always right? I dont think this is normal. When I'm not writing to you on the blog, I feel like a bad mom to you. Thank you, sweet strangers. It was the Ambien that knocked me into a black coma of oblivion, not the soothing words of everything is going to be alright that I needed to hear. Im not a scientist. Its hard to have the all ripped away and still look on the bright side of things. We went to dinner. I think I am starting to feel a little better and pie is still my best friend. Their happy, is too loud. I know what that feels like. I wake up exhausted. I am a good mother. Ive been really busy. So much so that at one point I told her I felt like my vagina was going to fall out due to the heaviness of carrying Poppy. I heard her mom call out her name. Please, Ronan. I wont ever love the month of May again. Once again, I am so grateful and humbled by the kindness of strangers. He knows that Ive been staying up late, working on this book and I listened to him as he said with urgency in his voice, that I need to get this done so I can Fuck Cancer. I know what the urgency meant. I sat there numbly and didnt say much. I promise I wont give up until our RoLove, changes the world. This is the end of your story for tonight, baby doll . Nowhere else. So sweet. I need to find a hobby during my witching hours. But truthfully, this slow paced living is pissing me off. When I did finally wake up, I felt like I had been hit by a truck; several times. I miss you. We talked a lot about you, about her son and all the things you are making happen in this world. The way he makes me exam everything that comes my way, with a magnifying glass. For as much as I can say all I care about is a healthy baby, the truth is, a little girl would mean so much mainly for the fact that you wanted a baby sister. Ronan. I will make you both proud. I just want my best friend back. Having my own office, is going to help so much. I miss being on the go 24/7. Your brothers. Of course I listened. This is the girl who went skydiving, just because. I know he will keep her safe. Then perfect baby Ronan. If it was not, things like this would not just continue to happen over and over again. You should have been causing trouble somewhere like I know you would be doing, if you were here. I told her the awful dream I had about you and how my memory of you was completely gone. All I can say is I cannot believe all of this. Let him be fine. Ive been doing enough reading of my blogs due to this book writing and I dont feel like going back to read about the holiday seasons and how hard they have been for me every year since you left. With you watching over her, with a daddy like yours, and your big brothers, too. Why would I want to break it anymore? I am doing the only thing I know how which is leaving this all in the hands of you. This year, I know the things in my life that I will be thankful for and my list wont include stupid black friday. P.S. Its because when I first found out I was pregnant, it was the size of a poppy seed. I got a text from Carolyn saying to call her that she had some news. Maya! Forever sorry. There happiness is how I judge good days now. I had a little secret very important meeting today. You know that you could have been in bed for the past year, and we would have all been o.k. Kind of broke my heart, to be in it, without you. He was mine, how can that be? "A number I don't recognize called my phone and left me a voicemail. I was so happy. He always knows best. Talk about another huge sign! Nothing helps. Im looking for you. Im not a researcher. A couple of things dawned on me tonight after I dropped by dinner to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. Ronan. They just handed me over a key, and voila! What amazing little girls. I still think this baby is going to die, so therefore I am trying not to get too attached to it yet. Your Sparkly. You know how important it is to me, not to spend the money that people are donating on administration stuff. Staying in bed, in NOT good for my mental well being. What if I totally freak out and lose it? I am about to have this baby girl and also your 2 years since you died is right around the corner. Quinn was eating a piece of steak beside me. Once I got to my car, I knew it would be a while before I was able to leave the parking lot. I chose to see you today. Happy Birthday pic for our Mr. Sparkly Eyes. "Ronan" was released on September 8, 2012, as a charity song by Taylor Swift. Early life. I am trying to relish in all the beauty of this but it is secretly making me hostile. We are almost totally off caffeine) It is the most beautiful building and it even has a basketball court which your brothers are so excited for! was when it was all I could do not to crawl under the table and curl up in a ball. Throw up. May 9th. I might just fall asleep with a smile on my face tonight and I might just be going out to New York City in a few weeks. Again, but not always. I wonder if this will ever get easier. I watched your daddy come home from work today. The exact same things feel so wrong and are so hard for me. The combination of your beauty and my sadness is more than enough, baby doll. Our Fairy RoMo. Star became known to a wider audience as contestant on the CBS reality TV show Rock Star: Supernova in 2006. I love people like that. I very rarely know happiness of my own. How much you hated them. Would it be too much to ask for the happiness of the world to just go on vacation for a day? There is a missing layer to all of this and it is only something that Dr. Badass JoRo can deliver. I just want to sit and cry, so I do. So much has happened and so much is going on that I dont even know what to address first. Are you o.k. Happy Birthday pic for our Mr. Sparkly Eyes | Maya Thompson - Flickr They so want to help with our mission and were so touched by our story that they created this show called Emotional Mojo. Fernanda. Everything looks perfect, just the way things looked with you, too. Tell me your dream for all of this. So I blabbed all about our Neuroblastoma Research and Care Center. Including a Childrens Hospital ward where we spent so much time. I know we can change this. We will spend some time with our Fairy RoMo which is the thing I am most excited about. THANK YOU. I handed him the baby to hold and I was begging him to help me name this baby boy, as I could not think of a name. Sweet dreams, baby doll. I never have and never will. Thank you for him. How do I even put into words, who he is? Not the other way around. This does not suit you at all., me: Fine. He was so tiny and frail. Let the evil secret cancer plans to take over the world, begin. The only ones I feel comfortable taking. A water for me. Ill see you in 20 minutes. Nobody was there. Sweet dreams. Good friends. Who Is 'Ronan'? The Truth About The Boy Who Inspired Taylor - TheThings They both asked if I was sure. Stay tuned:) I miss our city, so very much and now I might just have a great excuse to get my pregnant ass back out there, puking and all. I have a bunch of families that I will be thinking of, not just our own. Because youve pushed everyone away. My phone rang. I feel like I am back there again. We have decided my next one will be at 26 weeks. Its one of my only drawings I have of yours. I never thought I would have a girl, but have always felt like I was meant to have one. You being sick, unable to do things, just does not go hand in hand. the chucking continues. I sat back with our friends and watched the way the 4 of our boys became fast friends, laughing and giggling together. After I left there, my phone rang. They stuck by me during my darkest of days. It was an emergency last night. You know how he loves to play devils advocate with me. It has nothing to do with science. What in the hell is that all about? I started to cry. Pediatic Cancer is about to get FUCKED! I think I will wear black all day long. Im really going to kick your ass now! I dont understand this. I know you are doing these things for the RIGHT reasons and nothing more than that. on Thankful for the opportunity to continue talking about Ronan, Taylor, childhood cancer, and the horrifically hard world of bereavedparents. Everything I do is for you. I miss you, I love you, I hope you are safe. Laughing as you would pick all the flowers around our neighborhood from other peoples yards, thinking you were so naughty for doing so. Not crying. I would actually like to take May 9th and make it a National holiday. I would have put on your sweet little pajamas and tucked you into bed with me, where you belong. I am so tired of this life without you. The moments of utter beauty and bliss that I only feel by being with certain people. Im so lucky to have her, Ro. It is so a sport you would have kicked ass at. I needed a break from MY reality today which is exactly what I got. Its not funny. I have been mentally visualizing myself walking into that hospital but then having to walk out with my dead childs costume. Ive been spendingmost of my days in your room. It seems to completely throw them all off. I dont want anyone at the hospital, except your daddy and your brothers when the time is right and she is here, safe and sound. Secret Plan! Neuroblastoma was only touched on a few times but I found that when it was being talked about in charts, graphs, statistics. I had the talk with Stacy and Fernanda this week. For the love that was ripped from my arms. Not many people can say that about themselves. Im sitting in the parking lot. I know how much your heart is broken. But most of all, I miss you. I have yet to find a good book about what it is like to have a baby, after going through something as traumatic as losing a child to cancer. The picture came on the screen. It will never fill the empty space in my heart that feels like a gaping hole. That you had to be robbed of our beautiful time together. WTF asshole mother fucker who thought I could handle all of this. Ronan. Giggling everywhere. I buried my head into the steering wheel and just gave into everything I needed to let out. From what I can see here, it looks like you are having a baby girl. Really? Katie. I am really glad about that because of days like today that seem to just magically fall into place when I need a big slap in the face of why what I am doing, is so important. I love you so much. She told me she was sorry about you. I told you that. THANK YOU. . 4 boys but there should have been 6. It never feels totally right, but we have worked very hard, together, to get where we are today. I have had a blast and it is a healthy, good distraction. I think that is pretty good, considering our circumstances. Her little face is all filled out. We Have a NewHome! A baby girl and now this?! But because I know what happens when I listen to that song. How much you wanted a baby sister. Even when you have a dead kid, life just goes on. Ro and Mr. Sparkly Eyes tonight. Mr. Sparkly Eyes: Well, how are you going to Fuck Cancer if you are sick? the chuckling begins. I know the power of our love can take the worst thing possible, and help others. That oh so fun place only moms get to go that have had a child who has died. super-420-mom 12y. Thank you.. I finished the lake and my knee actually felt o.k. She has a ton of hair already. Now that Ive met you, youre in. It was like I was let into the most exclusive club that ever existed. It actually felt good. Her secret is beyond this world and she is the only one that can posses it. Dr. Jo. Twenty freaking one. But staying home this week has made me realize that I am beyond wiped out, carrying a real life baby, and almost starting my 3rd trimester. I am as always, wiped out. You see, I am not only doing this to make some money for your foundation, but I am also doing this to help us get through May. Mr. Sparkly Eyes called. Meat is still my enemy. Ill let you know when I know more. They are a part of my soul now. I even had to tell your Nana, not to come. That will never change. She emailed me back to tell me that some of her colleagues were there, and she was sorry she could not attend. What I wouldnt give to have just one more second with you. Up, showered, packed, Starbucks, hit the road, lets get outta this big city. I am so overwhelmed with every aspect in my life right now that I feel like a breakdown might be in order, just because I fucking deserve one. I miss you. Thanks for learning this lesson and letting it make you a better person. I forget to write about 23 months without you. It was actually all I could do, not to run up to the podium and hijack the speakers talk. Its one of the things are you driving me to do in this life. My little hometown showed some major RoLove today. First things first, Ronan. I will be your Rovocate for the rest of my life. I think its a big part of the missing piece of the puzzle of this sometimes detached from emotion reality that these doctors live in. AKA-the Devil. I just want this to all be a dream and to wake up now. Not the day you flew away to the heavens above, not the day you went to be with Jesus, not the day you went to a better place where you are an angel now, not the day that you became free, not the day that you went home. I am not about to soften this blow with any of that bullshit. I went and got it. You dont have anything to prove to me, o.k. I feel that way about everyone who hears about you. Quinn was over the moon. And guess what else this year is. Its because of Poppy. I dont blame them. Liam chirped up that there was a 10% chance that is was not a girl. Anybody that says otherwise, can fuck off. I do know this. The biggest reason of all. The cancer had not spread and was confined to just that one area. I would give both of my arms for those problems. Then, the very itty bitty baby contractions started. The problem Im facing is I may have too much material, and too much to say. Through my flood of tears I sent your Sparkly a text, Can you please get Ronans costume for me. She is so lucky to have you. He responded back with a simple, I will. I said, I know. Happily. I dont know what this dream meant. I hope you are safe. I left the mall, upset and sent my little Mandy Bee a message. I used to be able to go days without crying. As in The Ronan Thompson Foundation has an office! She never slows down in my tummy and it always seems like she is having a party in there. Those two, will always go by their nicknames. Everyday normal things will no longer exist in my life again. It was a good way to start the day, if anything. I gave in after trying everything to go to sleep last night, and popped my old friend, Ambien. Do you know what else Ive gotten to do the past couple of days? Mama! All happy and carefree. Fuck. Are people really not aware or are we just plain being ignored? I pick up and say hello to our favorite lovie and I give him my best Im not crying or sick voice I can. I think the phone call went really, really, well. I can do this. He is someone you loved so much. I still think it is the most beautiful song that I have ever heard. I hope you are safe. It was a great night, to say the least. I had visions of all the other angry people, right there with me. It felt like home. Your day of death. Becca. I was wrong. Then perfect your baby has cancer Ronan. Listen, I cannot even fathom what you have gone through and will go through for the rest of your life. I am floored. I dont think I have stopped crying, the entire day. I could not believe my ears. Heres how Im going to get through the next two months. Although this is a happy time for us in our lives, the sadness of not having you here, to meet your baby sister is almost at times too much for me to even fathom.

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